I know that many friends don’t like to quarrel, because deep down they believe that quarreling hurts feelings! I asked this question backstage, will quarrels become more and more hurtful to feelings? In fact, what I want to say is if If you use the right method, not only will your feelings not be hurt, your feelings will actually get better and better, so follow the editor to take a look.
The most essential reason for a quarrel: one party does not meet the expectations of the other party. The underlying logic of blaming each other is that both parties lacked love at that time and wanted to take it from the other party. When both parties are weak, it is difficult for them to accomplish each other, and they always tend to demand each other.
First, re-examine whether your expectations are realistic. For example, it is reasonable to expect her to come to you when she is done with her work, but it is unreasonable to expect her to be distracted from time to time and come to you when she is concentrating on her work. Expectations cannot come from one's own subjective perception (for example, I think this is how it should be) or external comparisons (for example, my colleague's girlfriend can do it), but should be based on the objective situation of the two people.
Secondly, reflect on whether the communication method is correct. Golden communication formula: narrate objective facts + express attitudes and feelings + improvement opinions/solutions
For example, the other half went out with friends and got home very late.
Cursing and blaming: You still know how to come back, you are so selfish, you never consider my feelings, it was the same last time...
Cold violence: sulking, sullen face , refuse to communicate.
Correct communication: Narrate the objective facts: You came back very late + express attitude and feelings: I am scared to be alone at home/I am worried about you/I feel a little wronged + suggestions for improvement: Come back early next time and accompany me tomorrow Can you watch a movie to make it up to me?
The expectations and communication are correct, but the other party still does not cooperate: confirm the bottom line, clearly inform me, and give punitive measures. Don't be unprincipled. Sometimes you forgive and sometimes you care depending on your mood. You must strictly abide by it.
When people are in pain, they do not have the strength to examine themselves first, and it is easy to turn into crusade against others, thereby alleviating the pain that they cannot face. Discomfort. Therefore, rational response measures suggest calm discussions when there is no conflict, or review after the conflict. During a quarrel, emotions get high and it is difficult to communicate rationally.
Key points of the discussion: Find win-win solutions to recurring conflicts, such as always arguing over who cooks, and see if you can find a part-time worker to solve the problem; understand the principles that the other party values, and do not deliberately challenge them; When emotions are heated, if two people keep repeating the same idea and holding their own opinions, and their tone becomes more and more harsh, they should agree in advance to pause the signal and deal with it after each other calms down.
In addition, don’t focus on trivial life matters, look for larger common goals, such as making travel plans, depositing money for housing, changing jobs, learning skills, etc.
There is a passage from Qi Pao that touched me very much: Many peopleChew the small joys and sorrows and forget the whole world. When faced with trivial matters, do it as simply as you want. Small hills are particularly blinding in front of you. What you have to do is not to deal with it, not to enter the hill; but to cross the hill. Stop nagging, because behind you is a The world of long-term love is so big, and it is waiting silently!
In the end, everything is of no avail. Consider comprehensively what this person can give you, whether there are any advantages that can balance you, and whether you should restart separately. A new life?
Don’t be depressed and complain, making yourself worse and worse; no matter what, don’t get stuck in the swamp and cry, find the target and take action. The sooner you take action, the less painful it will be.
