Question:
My wife and I are in a special situation. We are unmarried and have children. Our child is almost three years old, but we haven’t received the certificate yet, and we haven’t served the wine. The reasons are complicated. The main reason is that my previous conditions were not good and I was really unable to get married. She had an unexpected pregnancy in 2017. At that time, we were considering whether to abort it, but my mother went to persuade her when she found out. I don’t know how my mother persuaded her, but she finally gave birth to the child. After that, except for my mother's occasional mention, neither parent pressed for marriage, and we continued to maintain a real relationship as a couple.
I finally bought a house this year, and I agreed to get the certificate during the National Day. Unexpectedly, something happened at the last minute.
Some time ago, I noticed that she was acting sneaky, so I took her mobile phone to look at it, and found that she had joined many groups to chat with people, both men and women, and said some very disgusting words, "Baby is long, baby is short," Photos are also exchanged for red envelopes. At that moment, I felt that I was the legendary honest person. I asked her to question her, but she said it was just for fun and that the oral pleasure was not real. She also asked me what I was anxious about.
Compared with chatting with others, I feel more uncomfortable with her indifferent attitude. I asked her to delete her friends, leave the group, and stop doing such messy things in the future. She said I was a tyrant and very controlling.
Afterwards, I told her parents about the incident. My father-in-law expressed surprise and wanted to talk to her. Unexpectedly, things got even worse after we talked about it. She said that I was going too far, and that I would sue my parents even though I was already a father. Then we had an argument, and she said she wanted to break up. Only then did she see who I was. Fortunately, I didn't get the certificate, so I didn't have time to regret it.
I tried to keep her a few times, but she insisted that I was unreasonable. In September, she blocked my WeChat number and ran away from home after leaving the child with my grandparents.
During this time, I contacted her through her sister and brother, apologized to her, and asked her to come back. She said that I had gone there a long time ago, and it was useless to talk about it now. I am very unwilling to accept that after so many years, why did I fail at the last moment? Can things still be saved at this point?
Answer:
First of all, it’s not that serious. Secondly, Blaming the other person after something happens is the stupidest way to deal with it. If you continue to stimulate her, even if there is no problem, you will still cause it.
Why do you provoke the other party one after another? From your description, I saw two things.
1. You lack self-confidence and don’t know what she wants.
2. Your life is beginning to become rigid. In other words, it is becoming more and more boring, so she is uneasy about the status quo and tries to seek change.
The second thing is driven by the first thing.
You feel that you cannot give her material happiness, so you put it off again and again until you buy a house.The confidence to get married. But do you know, you have wiped out the best opportunity for a girl to be patient with you.
Having a child out of wedlock requires not only great courage, but also deep enough feelings and confidence in you. It can be said that she has been waiting for you since she was pregnant, but it is a pity that you have betrayed her confidence in you. Basically, once the lactation period is over, her senses towards you will gradually change from expectation to disappointment. By the time your child is almost three years old, marriage will probably no longer matter to her, and your importance in her mind will obviously decrease accordingly.
In other words, you are in a bottleneck period in your relationship. The bottleneck means not only that it takes some effort to get through, but also that it is fragile and will break if you are not careful.
Long-term lack of self-confidence has left a side effect on you, worrying about gains and losses, so when you see her flirting with others online, you immediately lose control of your emotions.
Indeed, she was wrong in the first place. After you caught her flirting with someone online, she became angry and angry. But becoming angry does not mean that you will not admit your mistakes or repent, but it is a common overreaction after people are caught doing something wrong. Wait until she calms down and then communicate with her calmly to find the root cause of the problem and then solve the problem.
It’s a pity that you didn’t give her a chance. You brought this matter up in front of her parents and made her receive another scolding in front of them. She has lost face by delaying marriage for many years, and now she has lost face. Can she not have an emotional breakdown or fall out with you?
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So the crux of the matter now is that when the other party is already disappointed with you, she is hit by you one after another, and she is holding back her breath. If you want her to come back, it depends on how you straighten out this anger.
And this point is not as simple as an apology, or verbally saying that I was wrong and I shouldn’t scold you. She can now say that she has developed serious rebellious emotions after your previous stimulation. The more you rush to pull her back, the more she will fight against you.
You need to change your attitude and your thinking. I have already said a lot about thinking issues before.
Finally, in the future, you must learn to speak well, think before you act, and treat your partner. Even if the other party really makes a big mistake, you should at least have a procedure of being polite before attacking, right?
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